Had I A Choice?
The
wind was gentle but chilly. I shut my eyes, tilted my head up and the soft cool
breeze kissed my face and danced with the few strands of hair that escaped my
ponytail. My face was sun kissed – much like the other women here. Today we
were lucky for even the slightest gust of air. It’s the small things in life
we’ve come to appreciate after losing everything we once had. My dried up lips
curved up into a smile and then I returned to what I was doing – peeling
potatoes. I looked at my hands, which were once soft and smooth as a baby’s
bottom, now as rough and tough as a cactus in the desert. As I scraped the dirt
off the starchy vegetables placed in my hand, my mind wandered back to the days
when the good was great before we fell into the hands of fate.
“Jillian!
Your lunch is ready!” I bellowed for my beautiful daughter from the bottom of
the stairs.
Slowly, I returned to the dining room and giggled to myself. Why
you might ask? Well, she has yet to realize that I, her mother know she has
gotten herself into her first real relationship with a boy. “Ah young love,
sweet and innocent,” the thought circled in my head as I set up the dining
table. Not long after, Jillian came down from her room and sat herself across
from me. We had small chit-chat as we enjoyed servings of warm mashed potatoes
and gravy with a side of roasted spring vegetables. “Mmm, what is that? It
smells delicious!” exclaimed Sarah as she entered the house. Beaming with joy
and clearly hungry after work, Sarah waltzed into the dining room and planted a
small kiss on my forehead. I smiled, looked into her eyes and said, “Welcome
home, honey.” As per usual, my daughter began “choking” and “coughing” at her
food prior to seeing the public displays of affection by her mothers. Then all
three of us would chuckle at each another like schoolgirls during recess.
“WHAT
ARE YOU SMILING AT? GET BACK TO WORK YOU FILTHY HOMOSEXUAL!”
Snapping
out, I scowled at the officer in disgust and spit on the floor to show my
distaste. Sarah looked at me from across the field and eyed me not to make any
rash decisions. Pissed off but aware that I’ve put myself in a spot, I took in
a long deep breath and apologized to the officer.
“Yes sir! I am a dirty lesbian and have no right to
smile.”
With a few long
strides, he marched up to me and landed one tight slap across my face. An
intense burning sensation engulfed my cheek. Violently, the officer cupped my
jaw, brought his face close to mine and said “Trying to be funny? You’ll see
the end of it bitch. Just you wait”.
Then, he turned around
and walked away. I regained my composure. Ironically, the pain that stabbed me internally
in my chest overwhelmed the fiery pain I felt on my face because I knew no
matter how much of a monster that man was – he was free. Maybe some day my
family and I would finally be free.
6 months. 6 months since have we been hauled,
thrown and locked up in this dreaded concentration camp. The Government and The
Almighty Heavenly Institute had come to agreement that all homosexuals and
their families are part of a poisonous species and belong in hell where we
should burn until we gained some degree of sanity. Well, I still remember the
day as clear as water when our almost perfect world came crashing down upon us.
Sarah, Jillian and I hid in the small crawlspace under the floorboards of our
house. We had heard loud banging noises and stomps of heavy leather boots
travelling above us. Our hearts were pounding fast and tears streamed down our
faces. Watching my wife and daughter cry, being helpless and worried was like a
wrench to your soul. Then, all the sounds halted. We could only hear the rhythm
of our own breath. Inhaling. Exhaling. Maybe we were one of the lucky ones.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Gunshots
were fired from above mere centimetres from my family and I. The floorboards
were torn open my large crowbars and we could see policemen from above looking
down at us. It is ironic really, the men we paid with our hard earned money and
taxes, and depended on to keep us safe were the exact people who hovered above
us to tear us away from safety. “Got them,” smirked the lad in a buttoned up
grey-coloured uniform garnished with medals and pins of silver and gold.
“RIIIIIIIIING!”
went the bell. We moved to the cafeteria for dinner. A spoonful of stale rice
and soup that smelt like urine were provided to every homosexual family.
Jillian, Sarah and I sat in a small circle on the floor – each of us chewing on
our food, not speaking a word and staring at a spot on the floor with lifeless
eyes, stoned. I looked at my spouse; her face was as grey as death and her hair,
which used to be as luscious as woven silk was now no more. Left with nothing
but skin and bones, the only thing I saw in my family and myself now, were
walking and breathing corpses.
An officer in black came in. Boots heavy on the
floor, the sounds drumming against my eardrum.
Pointing at families scattered round the canteen, the officer counted, “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine and…”
His eyes travelled the room and for a second, we made eye contact.
“Ten.”
Pointing at families scattered round the canteen, the officer counted, “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine and…”
His eyes travelled the room and for a second, we made eye contact.
“Ten.”
Obediently
like dogs on a chain, the ten families grouped together and walked towards a
hallway. At the end of it, were two doors. The mothers and the children were
separated. Mothers went into the door on the left, and children went into the
door on the right. As I entered the cold dark room, my hand was locked with
Sara’s. We stood in a line facing a black tinted glass of some sort. Confused,
the women in the room looked around. Were we supposed to do something here?
Where are they taking our children?
A
few minutes later, a dim light turned on behind the glass and the black tinted
glass was now fully transparent. What we saw on the other side knotted our
stomachs and shattered our feeble hearts. Our very own children were standing
stark naked in a place that looked very much like a bathroom. Their clothes
were placed on the hooks and we could see an officer telling them some sort of
instruction or news. Upon hearing the news, some children smiled slightly,
others remained expressionless and dazed. The mothers in the room were left
puzzled. After that, the officer exited the room and a siren began to sound.
The children looked up at the showerheads above them in awe when water poured
down upon them for the first time in 6 months. They were overjoyed. Some were
already reaching out to the bars of soap to clean themselves. Sarah and I
looked at each other not knowing what to think.
Then,
the water stopped. The children were now lost and confused. What was going on?
A few seconds later, white fumes escaped from the shower heads. Terror formed
on the children’s faces as mass hysteria unfolded. They began coughing,
huddling up in corners, crying and hugging. Some children fell to their knees
unable to catch their breath. No, this was no shower. It was a gas chamber. All
the women in the room went absolutely berserks.
They wailed and cried and scratched their nails and thumped their fists
on the glass watching helplessly as their children, a merely a few feet away
from them, fell to the wet floor – fell to their untimely death.
I
stood there as my wife collapsed next to me in sorrow. My eyes began to fill
with salty tears that soon trickled down my face. That was it. I had lost it. I
had lost my world. Emptiness engulfed my soul as I experienced my daughter and
at least 15 innocent children perish right in front of my eyes. The lights in
the gas chamber turned off and the lights in our room turned on. As if stabbing
our eyes, the fluorescent lights above us showed us that we stood in a huge
room. About 30 to 50 male officers were in the room and we were all instructed
to stand up. The men pulled us wives away from each other, forcefully
separating our weakly linked bodies.
Among
9 other women, I stood staring at my spouse being dragged to the other end of
the room by a group of men. Our hands were cuffed to the bar behind us like
helpless animals. As if seeing my daughter die was not enough, I watched as men
in uniform viciously and without a conscience, rape my wife. The room was now
filled with screams of torment, torture and tears. Had these men no heart? Had
these men no soul? I wailed for them to stop but the only thing that returned
was more and more screams of lesbian women being stolen of their lives.
After
the men had finished with the women, they put on the rest of their clothes and
left the room. Smiling. Disgusting pigs. I hoped they burn in hell. All but 10
of them left. The 10 that remained moved to the side of the room and armed
themselves each with an AK-47. One officer and one gun allocated for each of us
women standing handcuffed to the bar. I faced my prosecutor with bloodshot eyes
and a face filled with disgust. Across me stood the man that had slapped me
this morning in the field. “Hello little lesbian, we meet again,” worded his
filthy and disgusting mouth. “Did you like what I did to your wife over there?
That’s what women are for – to please men. That’s why you’re an abomination.
But don’t worry, I’m a kind man. I’ll make this fast and painless,” the officer
said with an evil smirk across his face.
*Chak
chak* sounded the gun.
Finger
on the trigger, he aimed the gun at my face.
If I could change everything, had I a choice?
I couldn’t love men even if I tried.
I could only love what was forbidden to most.
I could only love the same sex.
Had I a choice to be born this way?
Had I a choice to be born into death?
Had I a choice?
No, I had none.
I had no choice.
